Category: <span>Food For Thought</span>

Among my many accomplishments this past weekend, most of which were culinary, was the completion of Gary Shteyngart’s Little Failure. I heard about this book while listening to Terry Gross interview Shteynart on Fresh Air and realized that I just had to read it. This is new for me of course, because if you ask my mother, I hated reading as a child and the fact that my sister is one of the best read persons I know, may or may not have had something to do with that. Among my earliest memories are my mother’s blintzes and her nagging words that I will never succeed at anything in life as I am so poorly read. In fact, I picked up reading on my own at around age 9 after falling in love with Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe.

In any event, I am currently on a reading bend and am swallowing books at an alarming rate. The reason I wanted to read Little Failure is because I haven’t been exposed to too many immigrant stories and wanted to see how my own experience and that of my family compared to Shteyngart’s. The book itself is an incredibly well-written, funny memoir that is not filtered through rosy colored glasses but not subject to guilting the reader either. In other words, the author uses humor to make the reader more comfortable during more difficult passages of the story. There were many parts of the book that made me feel as if I were reading my own memoir and overall, the experience felt cathartic because it showed that you can talk about an incredibly difficult time of your life without feeling shame and that many others have had difficult lives and difficult experience that have molded and shaped them into the individuals they are today.

Most importantly, in a strange and unexpected way, reading this novel helped me understand my own parents even better. By American standards, my parents are incredibly strict, very demanding, and highly opinionated. I see that they are not the only ones like that and that these qualities are perhaps brought out by the process of immigration, of starting over and building a new life once again, long after you have done it before elsewhere.

I recently revealed to my parents that I wish they spent more time with me or put me into more activities during the first few years of being here. There was quite a lot of alone time for me with few instances of hand-holding. More than I care to admit and more than I would ever excuse for my own children or my nephew. My mother became upset and told me how difficult it was for them during those first few years. I understood, of course, but I also told her how impossibly difficult it was for me those first few years. Shteyngart sums it up very well in his book when he excuses the lack of photographs of his family from the early 80ies due to the fact that they “were too busy suffering”. This, and many other sentiments of the sort have kept me from recounting my and my family’s own first few years in America. Like the stories of so many other immigrant families, Gary Shteyngart’s journey is successful and he becomes a well-received author and a well-respected professor of writing at Columbia University.

Once again, stories like the one told in Little Failure and even like this one are great reasons to ponder why immigrant children, or children of immigrants are statistically so much more successful? Something tells me that it has everything to do with fulfilling your parents’ dream of making something of yourself because you were brought here to have the opportunity. More mysterious is the fact that this obligation dissipates quickly and is all but forgotten by the next generation. Even more surprising is the lack of empathy regarding the immigrant experience. I may never truly understand my parents, their sentiments and the decisions the faced, but I empathize with their plight.

Growing up, March 8th was a special day in my family and likewise in most others. Today is international women’s day and I join with the rest of the world in celebrating women.
I grew up seeing my dad bring home flowers and the holiday was pretty much about that for a very long time.

Now, my husband remembers the day and his attention is special. He asked me today, perhaps half-jokingly, when the International Men’s Day is. His comment led me to think why it is so important to celebrate women and what their significant contribution is. If I had to sum it up in one word, I would choose the word family. Women create and more importantly nurture and bring together families. We don’t choose our families, but we choose to consciously bring ours closer and nurture bonds not just for ourselves but for our children.

“Sophia, say I promise…” is something I find myself asking of Sophia quite often these days. She is at the point where we can talk to her and explain ourselves knowing she understands. She is also at the point where unruly behavior is no longer acceptable and we have introduced rules, promises and incentives to help her transition from a baby into a little girl.

But if Sophia is to follow rules and make promises, we ought to do the same and we do. For example, I often promise her dessert if she finishes her dinner or an outing if she plays nicely. In reality, our rules, promises and incentives are nothing out of the ordinary and are very typical in all
our every day lives; We promise to show up to work day in and day out, we promise to love, cherish and honor our spouses and we promise to respect those around us. In this case, we are expecting a not-yet-two-and-a-half-year-old to follow our suit.
At first we thought that perhaps this is expecting too much from a child her age, however we quickly learned that Sophia understands that if she follows through with her promises, we will follow through with ours. This has in effect become a matter of trust and in order to maintain hers, we have keep our end of the deal.

Those who are regular readers of this blog know that I am a working mom who has and always will struggle with the decision to delegate a large chunk of childcare to another caretaker. This has never been an easy choice and I am still plagued by constant worries about my child’s safety and happiness as a result of the choices that Evan and I make. This post is intended to discuss some of the considerations we made when deciding how to best care for Sophia’s welfare after her birth.

We were the first among our circle of friends to have a child and found the decision on how to best care for Sophia very daunting. We didn’t know if daycare is something we wanted to pursue or if we should hire a nanny or if one of us should quit our job and become a stay-at-home parent. In the last two years, thankfully, quite a few of our friends have welcomed children. Some, like us, have nannies, others who have placed their children into childcare centers, and then some of our friends who rely on relatives for childcare.

I don’t have any experience with daycare centers, so I cannot comment on the pros and cons of those, except that in most cases, having two children in daycare is a financial burden equivalent to having a nanny. This is one of the reasons we decided against a daycare option along with the steep 1800$/month rate (3-9 month olds) that is standard in our neck of the woods. That reasoning eliminated this option and left us with a nanny vs. au pair option.

For those who are not familiar with the au pair program, it is a program run by the United States government that is intended to provide a means for young people from other countries to come and learn about America, master the English language and immerse themselves in the culture. The program stipulates that families pay an application/finders fee ranging from $5500-7500 to find an au pair, then offer room/board and a weekly salary of at least $192 for no more than 45 hours of childcare/domestic duties guaranteeing 1.5 days off/week and at least one full weekend/month. Au pairs are contracted for 6-12 month basis and families and au pairs can extend the contract based on a mutual agreement. In some cases, but not in all, the family is required to garner social security and medicare wages which adds to the overall financial burden on both the au pair and the family. Additionally, one would imagine that the family would need to provide the au pair with a vehicle, pay for health and car insurance, and provide a cell phone. Given the nature of the program (immersion in the culture) au pairs are expected and expecting to accompany the host family on outings and activities further adding to costs. Au pairs are also expected to take college courses and the host family is obligated to pay at least the first 500$ of the course fees. Lastly, there is the minor consideration of having live-in help. My general feeling is that since an au pair’s most obvious motivation to enter the program is to learn about the culture, master the language and maybe pick up a few college credits, child care is probably not their absolute first priority. That is not certainly not the case for all au pairs, but it is least likely to be for most. Secondly, with contracts ranging from 6-12 months, au pairs come and go — the separation and adjustment to a new individual in the family is difficult enough once that I would not want to go through the process multiple times. While 192$/week may seem like a bargain for 45 hours of childcare, the ultimate cost will quickly add up and that is not calculating the emotional cost of frequent caretaker changes.

Lastly, the nanny route… I can only speak for our nanny who we are very happy with. She is a nanny because she chooses to be one and enjoys spending time with children. She works forty hours a week and as a non-exempt employee is paid hourly. She earns 150% of her pay for any time over 40 hours. Her job description does not include any household chores and she is solely obligated to spend time with Sophia. She is contracted to prepare Sophia’s meals but we have never asked this of her as we prefer to cook ourselves as is evident in most of the weekending posts like here, here and here. I have previously been asked if the nanny cooks for us or cleans and my answer is a resounding no. The reason for this is simple: if I cannot master cooking/cleaning and taking care of Sophia all at once, then I am surely not going to request it from anyone else.

In general, I find trusting your child to someone else for any period of time to be incredibly difficult. I recall being incredibly stressed after going back to work not because working and having an infant at home was difficult, though it was, but rather because I was placing a helpless infant in the care of someone who I at that time did not know well. Do I regret my decision? No. Will I ever get a new nanny if our nanny chooses to move on? Probably not. I would rather move closer to my parents and ask my mom to retire early to help than find another nanny.

Just remember, childcare is a deeply personal choice.

Sophia has gotten into a habit lately where she likes to ask where everything comes from and who bought/brought it for her. We take it all in stride and reply honestly such as this book was a gift from your cousins and Grammie brought this one. This leads into a conversation about money and we tell her that things cost money and Mama and Papa go to work to earn money so that we can buy her toys/snacks, etc.

Having such deep conversations about money inspired a bit of a personal challenge for me. I wanted to see if I could reduce my grocery bill by 30% with complete transparency to the rest of the family. I am happy to report that after three weeks, I have successfully conquered the challenge.

Before I tell you my new mode of [shopping & menu planning] operation, I’d like to say that I am a believer in shopping organic, seasonal, wholesome (whole fat, whole grain) products. I usually do not mind spending a bit extra on groceries because we rarely go out to eat; I have found that a single meal out for a family of 3-4 will cost the equivalent of 2-3 days worth of groceries if not more. And while I believe in seasonality, I do make exceptions where berries are concerned because they are fiber packed and are easy to for Sophia to eat them. I also do not clip coupons or shop at more than one store. In fact, I shop at the same store every week and try to make one big and one small, mid-week trip to stock up on fresh bread and the likes. I am sure that cutting coupons would add to the savings as would looking at store sales, but since I have to pay the nanny 1.5x pay for anything over 40 hrs/week, the added cost of childcare instantly eclipses any store savings.

Having stated all the disclaimers, I have achieved a steady 30% reduction in grocery costs by cooking dishes that are easy to make in large quantities (e.g., chili, chicken tikka masala, lasagna) and focusing on low-cost, low environmental impact non-vegetarian-based proteins (chicken, pork, seasonal fish).

Lets take fish for example — mackerel is a great fish not only because its very nutritious, but also because it is much more affordable than other more famous fishes like chilean sea bass, salmon and the likes. Mackerel and sardines are “in season” now and are also easy to make and easy to eat. We stew the former in miso and eat room temperature over steamed rice and the latter is best grilled or seared in a pan. These fishes are eaten with miso soup, rice and a tea in Japan as breakfast by the way. We can learn something from the Japanese because they have a higher life expectancy and a negligible obesity rate (at least compared to that in the United States).

I understand that oily and fishy fish may not be everyone’s cup of tea so here are some thoughts on chicken, beef and pork. I like to get a whole chicken and dispatch at home. By the pound, they are cheaper and you can see the whole bird when you buy it. I also prefer dark meat that is not just more flavorful but also more reasonably priced. Pork is the other white meat and much cheaper than beef. When treated with care, pork can be moist and flavorful and give a bit of respite to our usual chicken rut. A roasted pork loin (not tenderloin) can last a few meals and is very easy to make.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like there is only so much meat you can eat before you crave veggies, pasta, dairy and the likes. Additionally, despite what Atkins and other high protein diets will tell you, you do not need to eat meat or protein at every single meal unless you are an athlete and engage in strenuous workouts regularly. Sometimes, a pasta meal can be satisfying, delicious, low cost and even nutritious when paired with some veggies and cheese (cheese is a source of protein, too). This is where vegetarian lasagna, manicotti, and even simple pasta with homemade tomato sauce can further break up the monotony of meals.

Last, not least and perhaps most importantly here are the types of things I avoid purchasing which would quickly add to my grocery bill: cereals with the exception of good old Cheerios, chips & anything sweet. The only canned good we purchase are tomatoes to make homemade marinara sauce, beans for chilies and soups & low-sodium chicken broth. We are not chip eaters or soda drinkers and in fact, I don’t remember the last time I’ve tasted a potato chip — it has been at least 5 years. As for desserts, store-made desserts are laden in sugar, fat and all sorts of preservatives. They are not that good and usually, not good for you. I bake regularly and we indulge in those concoctions which have been well received by the youngest and most senior sweet tooths/teeth. And when there are no desserts, we turn to dried fruits & nuts with dates, turkish apricots and raisins being among our favorites.

So that’s how we shop, eat and have conquered this personal challenge. I didn’t set or conquer it because I had a particular need but rather because I wanted to prove to myself that I can still offer delicious and nutritious meals to my family on a reduced budget. I urge everyone to look at their own shopping and cooking habits and see if they can make changes that lead to a healthier and more affordable menus. We should all be grateful for the abundance of food at our local grocery store knowing that there are millions if not billions who are malnourished in the world. Waste not, want not.

I’m the youngest of two children. My sister is a whole ten years older. I like to remind her that we belong to two different generations, too ;-). And even though we are ten years apart, we seem to in the last five years have developed a relationship that is unlike one I have ever had and or would have imagined.

Admittedly, we did not have much in common when we were younger since we were in such different stages in our lives. But as we got older, reaching the same milestones, life and its course had brought us closer together. I remember being about twenty and thinking that she’s all done — meaning that she was married, finished her schooling, had a house and a child. At that time, I hadn’t yet achieved any of that and life seemed so uncertain and full of so many challenges. I didn’t realize that life would always be full of challenges at every stage and just when you think you’ve achieved something, there are new challenges to overcome and goals to set for yourself. But I digress…

What is our relationship like now? We are really good friends; we talk almost daily. If we don’t talk on the phone, we text. I share my concerns, and she listens and tries to help. I try to do the same. Neither one of us sugarcoats our opinions or advice. The way she loves and dotes on Sophia lets me know that whatever happens in life, Sophia will never be without family. What’s more, whatever happens in life, when we are old and grey, when our parents are long gone, I am certain that we will be there for one another. It won’t be because there is some sibling or familial obligation, but rather because we’ll have been lifelong friends brought together by the lucky chance of being siblings.

My life, our lives, everyone’s life is like a finite automata. See, Evan, I do use my degrees ;-). We get up, rush out the door, pray we didn’t forget something, commute, work, commute home, try to get dinner on the table, play with kids and put them to bed, pray they sleep the night and then, so do we. Depending on your specific family setup, you may have more things on your daily list or fewer, but the idea is that our lives have somehow become a daily race with one goal: finish this race faster and with fewer obstacles.

Trying to ease the pressure of it all involves relying on others to pick up the slack including gardeners, cleaning persons, nannies, nursery schools, your local take-out joint and the like. I don’t judge anyone for attempting to simplify their days in order to finish each one with at least an ounce of sanity. Sure, rushing to work, achieving your work goals and rushing home is difficult. It is difficult to parent children when you add the fact that somehow, you were busy before them, too. Stay at home parents don’t have it any easier, either. It is just that their commute to work is a little shorter than mine.

Even though this stage of our life is fraught with challenges not the least of which are lengthy commutes, picky eaters and terrible twos, we can always look on the bright side. There are those moments that make you pause and remember that all the commotion, the excitement, the stress and challenges, well, you wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

Here are a few of these moments that have happened just recently that made me think how I am where I should be.

Driving home from work yesterday. I allot 47 minutes to get home. I am a sight to behold as I try to rush out of the office, down to the garage and onto the busy Arlington roadways. I opted to drive from Arlington, into DC (Georgetown) across the Key Bridge and into Maryland. While sitting in the inevitable traffic jam on the bridge, I look over at the car to my left and see that its Evan. I just beamed… because it was so unexpected that we’d be side-by-side riding back home from our respective jobs and end up next to one another. I also realized that I am glad I still feel this way, that I always smile when he is around. Maybe it is a bit mushy, but we are all in need of a little bit of mush.

Having arrived home well ahead of Evan who was actually rushing to an appointment, I decided to try and make a simple salad with Sophia in tow. I did my best to make this sound like a very exciting activity. We set out our ingredients and proceeded to chop and dice. Sophia wanted to try everything, including the shallot, and even helped by putting the little cherry tomatoes on the cutting board one by one for me to slice. Sophia decided she just had to taste a lime, too and I let her have a half a lime to lick after I juiced it over our avocado-laden salad. Much to my surprise, she loved the lime and finished the job that the juicer did by sucking the rest of the sweet-tangy liquid out. Slowly, very slowly, she is becoming a little person who is so much fun to be around.

The simple things in life, like making a salad with your child and the unexpected but oh so pleasant surprise of running into your spouse rushing home make what I sometimes view as a busy, monotonous life filled with the simplest ingredient: love.

… and when you’re having an especially busy and challenging day, just imagine that you’re here…