Category: <span>Food For Thought</span>

Motherhood is a gift. I’ve been fortunate enough to experience this amazing gift twice and have only recently realized that each experience is extremely gratifying, unique and different from the other. I’ve always heard that each child is different but I never understood that each child molds you as a mother. What follows in the rest of this post are my own thoughts on motherhood, on mothering and on life as a mother.

It is true that when you become a mother, you relinquish your previous position as the center of your own universe to your child. I never thought of myself as a selfish person but admit to having an incredibly difficult time relinquishing my previous life. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to become a mother or perhaps some people never are. I don’t like the unknown and I don’t like change. You can’t describe motherhood to anyone until they themselves experience it. The truth, the scary truth is that you have to take that plunge, to trust yourself, your partner, your family, and embrace the unknown. There is never a right time either, you’ll never have your fill of vacations, of glasses of wine and of sleeping in on the weekend.

But I’ve come to realize that I don’t want my fill of any of those things if that means that I don’t get to see toothless smiles, morning cuddles and hear little feet stomping across the hall into my room on a Saturday morning.

As I said earlier in the post, each child is different and each child molds you as a mother. Bringing Sophia into our lives I can only describe as a jarring shock to all my senses. Who was this little being who cried day in and day out? She did nothing by the book and I remember baby blues hitting me like a pile of rocks. Fast forward almost three years and Sophia still doesn’t do anything by the book; she doesn’t sleep the night, she gets very motion sick, and she is not the best eater. But she talks, plays, sings, draws and dances. She is a little adult wrapped in a beautiful petite package.

In contrast, bringing Eliza into our lives was a much easier experience. For one, I no longer had to give up anything… I’d given it up three years prior. I am not sure what Eliza is really like, not yet anyways, but I am certain that she will be different and so will I. I am more relaxed, more in control and happy with where I am at this point in my life.

Children are a great equalizer; They help break down your life into the very basics. Every child should be wanted, loved and cherished despite or perhaps because of the lessons you learn as a result of rearing them.

This picture…

… made me remember a wonderful time in my childhood with my dad. My dad was a photography enthusiast when we lived in the former USSR. He would take many pictures of my sister, my mom and me. He improvised a dark room in our apartment in Baku and developed the moments he captured of our every day life. It was always a mystery to me—film becoming pictures. One day, he let me go in to develop the pictures with him and I saw how everything worked. It was magical. These black and white pictures that he took and developed are now here in my house. I love looking at them once in a while grasping to understand what my parents must have been like, what they worried about, what they wished for for their young children.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Shortly after her birth Sophia had acquired a monicker of “the princess”. I am certain that my sister was among the first adopters if not the origin of referring to Sophia as “the princess”. I receive a text, a call or an email daily from my sister asking about how her princess is doing. I was quite sure that Sophia and Eliza’s proud aunt would simply pluralize the monicker and refer to the girls are “the princesses”. However, I was quite surprised when she recently asked how her “Dolce and The Princess” were doing. I recall inquiring about Dolce and since it means “sweet” in Italian and Spanish, my sister informed me that she thought that was just the monicker for Eliza. Well, it was love at first sight… me and Dolce—not only when she was born—but also with this monicker. Somehow, for some reason, she really is sweet and the monicker fits just perfectly.

Speaking of names. People get very particular with their kids names and I think they have good reason for it, too. I always am careful to refer to other people by their given names or short names if they are known. Sophia also goes by Sophie and never, ever, ever, ever (did I mention E-V-E-R) by Sofa which happens to be a short version of her name in Russian. That was perhaps the biggest issue we had with this name when we selecting one. Similarly, Eliza will go by Ellie but never, ever, ever, ever ‘Liza.

I’ve never explained why we chose these particular  names for the girls and since we’re talking about names, now’s as good of a time as ever. Sophia is named after her paternal great grandfather Sol. Her middle name Vida is after her maternal great grandfather. We chose Sophia (since we needed a name with an S) because it means “wise” and we were hopeful ;-). Eliza, whose middle name is Mischa, is named after her maternal great grandfather whose name was Mark (anglicized). We chose Dolce’s first name because we liked it, and it isn’t after anyone. That being said, much like Eliza Doolittle from Pygmalion, we hope that she has a little spunk and is outgoing and feisty — fitting given her birth order.

Someone recently told me that if they were my parents, my father especially, they would have never left the former USSR to come here. Their point was perfectly valid and it highlighted to me everything I already knew about my Dad – his love knows no self-preservation. My dad is an incredibly strong man, he is a great role model for perseverance, for hard work, for doing whatever it takes to take care of his family. His own self worth, his station in life so hard earned forgone for a risky bet on the success of his children that has so far paid off.

What I love most is that from him, I receive a different kind of love than from anyone else — his love is strong; It is pride, respect and satisfaction wrapped in one. It is an indulgent love that I crave and have gotten used to being the baby of the family. But the real beauty is seeing my father with his grandchildren. It is something I love, live for and cherish. I couldn’t imagine a better father. Happy Father’s Day!

There is something about the look in his eyes that conveys the depth of feeling and an immense joy that all children, not just Sophia, bring to my father-in-law. In return for his immense love, children tend to melt into his strong embrace, instantly dissolving into smiles. There must be something magical that they feel: care, security, presence and love. In my opinion, a child’s reminiscing about his or her early life experiences is among the biggest of compliments for any parent. There have been many a time when Evan has talked about his time with his Dad and his memories are so special. What’s more, my father-in-law has taught me that parenting and doting doesn’t cease when children grow up, and he continues to do so with an immense balance of respect and grace. I couldn’t be happier to have such a wonderful person in our lives to share this special day with. Happy Father’s Day, Pop!

Someone once said that mother’s become mothers the moment they find out they are pregnant. They have nine months to bond with their baby. Fathers on the other hand, usually need a little more time. I have been absolutely awed by the amount of love Evan has for Sophia. It seemed to me that their love affair took some time to blossom but it is well earned.

In my wildest dreams I couldn’t imagine such a quiet, graceful love but one where feelings flow freely without abandon. You won’t hear him exclaiming his feelings loudly or often, but it is his actions that speak louder than words. It is in the way he looks at her when she is not looking and in the way he makes her laugh, delighting in her mischievous nature and in the way he stops by the family room every morning to say he’s heading out to work. I couldn’t dream of a better father for Sophia.

Just like that poem by Elizabeth Browning says, let me count the ways in which I love a very special person: my mom. I love my mom to the moon and back a thousand times over. I love her because she is there, because she is constant and it will always be that way. I love her because she is tough, because she is determined, because she gives and doesn’t expect anything in return. I love her because she makes me feel special through all the little things she does that I always notice. I love her because she made my childhood spectacular and I have great memories. I love her the most because I can see how much she loves what I love. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom and to all the other mom’s out there.

Robert Heinlein was right when he observed that “being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.” Each year, on Mother’s day, I thank my lucky stars for my sister, my other mother. There is no one better, no one who loves and cares for me just like my mom. I knew this when I was little and she would take care of me and I am even more certain of it now. The best thing about having my sister is knowing that not only does she celebrate my happiest moments as much as I do, she’s there when I need support. I hit the sibling jackpot and I’ll admit this every day until my last day.

What did you dream about when you were younger? What did you wish you could do? I dreamed about inventing and building things that would do whatever I envisioned. Perhaps my career choice (computer scientist) is apropos in that I can invent and build a software that does a great many things.

Imagination is very important to all of us, but it is essential to early childhood development. Imaginative play and creativity should not be stifled as they let children create their own little worlds with magical powers and it is through those that children learn their place in our world.

I was reminded of this by the Google Doodle contest that is run every year. This year, the contest’s theme is about making the world a better place by inventing something. All of the entries are fascinating and very impressive given the ages of the doodlers.

Now ask yourself this, “What would I design to make the world a better place?”